I’ve been recovering from surgery for what feels like a lifetime now… Really, it’s just over a month but it’s gone SO slowly and things have been further complicated by an infection and the heavy painkillers. ANYWAY, because it’s been so slow, I’ve barely been into uni. For loads of people, I imagine this would be like ‘yes, GET IN’ because they hate going to lectures, but I’m a self-confessed nerd and always have been, I love to learn and I love to work. My name is Sophie and I’m a workaholic, etc etc. So for me, missing uni is like a kid not being able to go on the swings (yes, an analogy THAT sad) and I’m really struggling with it.
One of the things that I’ve noticed the most throughout this period of illness is how much of a toll it’s taken on my confidence. Frankly, it’s been obliterated. Anyone who knows me will say I’m a very confident person, so for it to take a knock says A LOT. Lately, I’ve found myself asking ‘am I capable of doing this?’ ‘what if I can’t do it?’ ‘what if I don’t do well?’ These aren’t things I normally ask myself as I’m very much the ‘your best is good enough’ type – but recently I’ve been questioning everything. I think a lot of this is to do with the interraction the painkillers have had with my anti-depressants, but I also think it’s coming from not being able to do the things I love, meaning I feel incapable.
ANYWAY, I digress (I always feel very sophisticated using that phrase and I don’t know why) I was having one of my crying episodes to Ryan – you literally wouldn’t believe how frequent these have been, I’m talking 3 or 4 times a day, the lucky man – and he said ‘Sophie, you’ve got to believe in yourself’ and then my mum walked in saying the same thing. As he said this, the Arthur theme tune started playing in my head. Ah, Arthur, our old and faithful friend. It was the whole ‘believe in yourself (believe in yourself), well that’s the place to staaaaart (to start)…’ bit, at which point I was like HELL YEAH ARTHUR, I WILL BELIEVE IN MYSELF – which I think is very indicative of my mental state at the time, given my confidence was reaffirmed by a children’s cartoon;)
I feel somewhat of a twat for never knowing this song is Believe in Yourself – Ziggy Marley (son of Bob) until the age of 20
I think when you’re ill for a long period of time, as I am now and have been in the past, it can be SO easy to let yourself forget how great and capable you were when you were in a good place/you weren’t ill. It gets you down, massively, because being ill makes you feel like you aren’t yourself and then you forget how fabulous your original self was anyway… CUE THE ENTRANCE OF ARTHUR. From now on, I just keep telling myself to ‘believe in myself (believe in myself), well that’s the place to staaaart (to start)… I hear ya singing it with me, who couldn’t sing along? It’s working for me so far, I’m not suggesting this is a fool proof plan and I can tell you right now that Arthur will not cure your deep-rooted insecurities, but he’s good to PEP UP! (A phrase my friends and I use to politely say ‘cheer up, you miserable cow’).
Please believe that when you get better and things get brighter (which they will, even if they don’t feel like it), you will go back to your amazing and capable self. I need to start believing this too, so we’re in it together. Keep going and BLOODY BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
Stacks of love,
P.S. Did you see my last post on learning to rest and not to quit? Check it out!