I turned 21 a few weeks ago – you probably know this if you’re either in my life personally or follow me on Instagram because I have NOT STOPPED banging on about it. I do apologise, but I’m big on celebrating! I’m sure the photo below shows how much I DO NOT SHY AWAY from birthdays. Lots of my friends at uni thought this was a serious look, as in I actually went out thinking ‘hell yeah, I’m gonna be fighting off the lads tonight – WATCH OUT, RYAN’ – but clearly, I was (as I regularly do) taking the piss out of myself.
As I’ve reached the final, big milestone birthday before 30, I thought it would be fun to share some of my adult failures with you. These are some of the small (and sometimes hugely embarrassing) faux pas I’ve made since I turned 18… That is, I was definitely old enough to know better. I’d like to add a disclaimer now, to try and retain at least SOME dignity, and say that these are not an accurate representation of my intelligence (I hope), and with that, AWAY WE GO!
- I used to believe in a sort of ‘universal power’ of hand soap – honestly, God knows why. I’d had loads of friends round one night and the kitchen was a TIP, beer bottles everywhere, stuff spilt on the floor, that kind of night! My best friend, Leila, is super practical and was always a god-send at times like this. She was off doing something else to help and came back to find me pumping ‘Dove Silk Handwash’ over the laminate floor and frantically trying to wipe away the dirt – she looked absolutely baffled and just said ‘Soph, you can’t wash the floor with hand soap’ with a despairing sigh. I later tried to use the same soap to wash my clothes in the sink.
- When I was 18 I went on a few dates with a really lovely guy, he’s from a small town in the country side where there’s not a lot to do but I’d driven to see him a couple of times and we’d gone to Costa – wild. We were texting about what to do on our next date and he said ‘maybe we could go to the cattle market?’ to which I replied ‘OH MY GOD, YES! I LOVE COWS’, I kid you not, this was very exciting for me – I have a great love for cows (I don’t understand it or even where it came from). So there I was, eagerly awaiting his reply, waiting to arrange my date of cow greeting… My phone buzzed and the message said ‘wait, you know they don’t actually have cows at a cattle market? It’s just loads of random stuff’ – well, I sat there bitterly disappointed and looking like an absolute mug. I did my best to play my joy off as a joke, going along the lines of ‘haha, jokes on you, you thought I was being serious’ Alas, we never went to the cattle market.
- I was baking cakes to take in to where I used to volunteer – I had found a recipe for 12 chocolate cupcakes and needed to make 24. So, I started making ‘batch one’ and as they were in the oven, I was tidying up and my other best friend, Alice (a baking BOSS) arrived. ‘How many cakes are you making?’ she asked, so I told her and she said ‘please tell me you’re not making two separate batches of 12 instead of just doubling the ingredients to start with’ – HAHA NO, ALICE, THAT WOULD BE SILLY. As you can see, practical intelligence is not my strong point. My mum (a nurse and a VERY practical person) has an almost identical story – she worked in a bar one night as a student and two blokes ordered two half pints so she halved the price of a pint and then doubled it – the stupidity is impeccable, no?! Personally, I think her error is worse than mine – you can see where I get it from.
- My ex-boyfriend used to play football one evening a week – he’d left his kit at my house and I decided to adopt the role of ‘domestic goddess’ and wash it for him. The first faux pas in this post may give indication as to why this was a TERRIBLE and horribly delusional idea on my part. His kit was a black top and white shorts – for some reason I’d got it into my head that ‘this type of material’ stopped the colours from running (where on earth did I get that from?) so whacked them into the washing machine together. He arrived (an hour before he was due at football) and I proudly told him of my fantastic efforts to which he replied ‘Soph… how did you wash them?’ When we took them out of the tumble dryer, his shorts had turned a bright blue because the colour had run from the black dye. He didn’t have time to get any others so he had to just wear them and explain to ‘the lads’ – HEY, at least I tried!;)
- There’s a song called Genghis Khan – Miike Snow that I’m a big fan of (very catchy) – I was talking to Ryan about it last year and he said something like ‘yeah, it’s a bit of a weird lyric though, isn’t it?’ (‘I get a little big Genghis Khan, I don’t want you to get it on with nobody else but me’) and I said something along the lines of ‘yeah, bit excessive saying the thought of them getting with someone else turns him into a boxer’ to which Ryan just started laughing hysterically… Yes, that’s right, I got Genghis Khan (the ancient Mongolian brute) confused with Amir Khan, the professional boxer. Ryan now takes great delight in sharing this tale with others!
- My family (especially my dad) regularly mock my appalling knowledge of British geography, my world geography is decent, but when it comes to my own nation, I’m a bit clueless. As a laugh over dinner once, my dad asked me to name as many british counties as I could so I started and on I went until I got to ‘DEVONSHIRE’ – cue a look of astonishment on my parents’ faces. ‘Sophie, it’s DEVON’ said my mum. Thank you, dearest Mama, for clearing that up for me… My Dad kept insisting it was ‘Devonshire’ in the hope that I would remember it and make a tit of myself… Fast forward a year to my first date with Ryan (who is from Plymouth, in Devon) and I said something along the lines of ‘ah yeah, I’ve been to Cornwall but not Devonshire’ to which he looked very puzzled and just politely said ‘you know it’s Devon, right?’ WELL, SHIT. He went to the bar and I hastily messaged my dad like ‘you’ll never guess what I’ve just done…’
- I found a few years ago that the easiest way to shave your legs in the shower is to sit down – that way, you don’t hurt your back from bending down and you also don’t have the water washing off all the foam. Late last year I was sat in the shower shaving my legs (as you do) and I noticed the water was REALLY filling up. Our shower drain has the tendency to flood so I didn’t really think anything of it until I looked around and saw that I was sitting ON the drain and blocking the water. Our bathroom floor was COVERED in water, I tried to clean it up and left two absolutely saturated towels in the bath. Later my Dad came in, all arsey, saying ‘who left two soaking towels in the bath?!’ I explained my leg shaving debacle to which he just rolled his eyes and said ‘bloody hell, I thought I’d heard it all’.
So there you have it, a few of my adult failures and faux pas – I hope they make you realise that you’re not alone in making a tit of yourself. I’d LOVE to hear some of your experiences like this (if you have any) – feel free to leave a comment below!
Stacks of love,
P.S. Did you see my last post on getting a Daily Dose of Perspective?