You know the phrase ‘you have to laugh otherwise you’d cry’, don’t you? If you didn’t, you do now! A friend of mine had a situation which epitomises this phrase, I’ve heard the story in great detail and she has very kindly allowed me to tell you as long as she stays anonymous… You’ll see why! I’m sharing it with you in the hope that it’ll make you laugh and sprinkle some funniness into your day, so on with the story…
One day, my friend had rolled out of bed late in the morning and decided to go to the gym. She’s like me in that she’s REALLY not the gymming type, but off she went and good for her! After getting all hot and sweaty, she was more than ready to go home. She stopped off at a McDonald’s down the road (proudly sporting her gym gear) to order a drink and some chicken nuggets… The perfect post-exercise snack.
Driving home, her normal route, everything was fine! She remembered that there were road works on the road that led into her estate but NO BOTHER, the road wasn’t closed so it was fine. As she approached, she noticed a sign on the left of the road with the usual ‘road works here from ____ to ____’ (you know the ones that make you roll your eyes and think ‘bloody marvellous’) and on the right there was a central reservation, leaving a space between the two. Lots of cars were navigating their way through the gap so it looked like it could be done with ease.
‘Breezy!’ she thought, as she approached the space. HOWEVER, as she drove through the gap she heard TWO massive bangs, in quick succession (‘bursting through the sweet sound of Ed Sheeran’) and her car started to ‘chug’ along. In her words, her first thought was ‘OH FUCK’, as she pulled over to the side of the road next to a bus stop. Thankfully, the bus stop was closed, otherwise this would have created another wealth of problems.
She got out the car, looked at her tyres and burst into tears – both of them had burst and were completely flat. The car was undriveable. Luckily, the road was close to her estate and her mum was working from home that day, so she called her mum to ask what to do. Wouldn’t we all? We’re all just big kids really.
This was the state of BOTH tyres – both completely flat.
Whilst waiting for her mum, a chap walked past and said something like ‘you’ve made a bit of a hash of it there, love’ to which she apparently just said ‘haha, I know, thanks’ – bit of a smug git to point that out to a woman in tears, clearly knowing she’d ballsed it up, in her defence.
Thankfully, her mum arrived quickly and found her waiting in her car. It then occurred to my friend that someone was going to have to come and tow the car, so she frantically started to stuff all of the rubbish from that days trip to McDonald’s (as well as more rubbish from previous, recent trips) and shoving it into a nearby bin. Rather mortifying to be seen in gym kit unloading tonnes of Maccies rubbish into a nearby bin!
In the mean time, her mum had called someone to tow the car and now they had to wait… It came to her realisation that she had chugged A LOT of water in the gym and then drunk half a litre of Coke on the way home… She needed a wee. It was alright though, because the tow truck would be there within about half an hour – hooray!
Fourty five minutes later, she was DESPERATE to relieve her bladder, but she couldn’t leave her car and there was nowhere close by with a toilet. Another half an hour passed, which had been interspersed with phonecalls from the tow truck driver saying he was ‘only fifteen minutes away, love’ – but that was ‘rather torturous knowing he was so close but so far’. FINALLY, he arrived – by then, she was beyond bursting for a wee, ‘the kind of bursting where every step feels like it’s risky’.
Her mum then suggested ‘if you’re that desperate, just go behind the bus shelter, no one will see you!’, to which she apparently replied ‘ABSOLUTELY NOT, don’t be ridiculous’. Apparently she had been traumatised by an experience when she was younger ‘the last time I tried to squat, I was nine and couldn’t do it properly so I pissed all over my skirt’. However… it was taking a fair while to get the car onto the truck given how knackered the tyres were. It was time to admit defeat.
‘I’m just gonna have to go behind the bus stop’ she said to her mum, apparently trying to ‘retain dignity’. Behind the bus stop was a railed fence that circled the back of a hospital. She shuffled behind, pulled her leggings down, shoved her legs through the railing (‘to ensure maximum distance from the source’) and gripped on to the bars for extra support because she’s a bit ‘weak in the quads’ and off she went… In her words, ‘as soon as I started, I thought to myself: bloody hell, this has got to be a low point’.
*** Side note: I think it’s important to mention at this point that my friend has a VERY strong bladder, she’s the kind of girl who can drink all night on a night out and only need to use the toilet towards the end or when she gets home. What I’m saying is, her bladder can hold a LOT of fluid. ***
Unbeknownst to her, the man had finally got her car on the back of the truck and was ready to go. He turned and asked her mum if they were all ready and her mum said ‘oh yes, I’ll get her, she’s just behind there’ gesturing to the bus stop. When they both looked over, all they could see were two feet and a LONG, LONG trail of wee cascading down the pavement… The driver noticed and had an odd smirk on his face then said ‘oh right, I’ll just wait in the van’.
Lovely Colin after his observation.
Emerging from the narrow space of her nightmare (technically, the second one of the day), she found her mum chuckling about the situation – ‘I was oblivious at this point’, she asked her mum to tell her what she was laughing at to which she replied ‘I’ll tell you later, the man’s waiting in the van for you’. She thought ‘what a sentence to come from your mother’ but apparently the driver of the car had to accompany the tow truck in order to make sure it wasn’t stolen or something. She got in the van and the man said ‘Hello, I’m Colin’, she did not yet realise what poor Colin had witnessed.
Arriving at Kwikfit, she was just glad the whole thing was almost over. Her mum told her about poor Colin’s observation and she thought ‘bloody hell, there I was sitting in the cabin of his truck with my pissy knickers, chatting away as if nothing had happened’…
And there we have it, what a story. I hope my friend’s embarrassing tale makes you chuckle and above all, I hope it shows that sometimes you just have to laugh about these things, rather than cower in shame! After all, it’s better to remember the funny side of a bad moment years later.
Do you have any ‘you have to laugh’ stories? I’d love to hear about them.
Stacks of love,
P.S. Did you see my last post? Click here to have a read!